Swinging in there

Not my illustration

Hey, guys! I have been continuously going back and forth wanting to dive into blogging more seriously, then considering deleting this blog all together and feeling silly for doing it, whilst struggling personally to figure out how to manage my life and ending up deciding that even though I had planned to blog about my favorite nail polishes (which I can still do at any point, if you're interested), I need to write down everything that's on my mind to stay true to what this blog means to me, which is my safe heaven and a little corner where I can express myself and take a look at myself from a step aside. It'll be one lengthy post and I am sorry if you think it's a bummer and I won't be sad, if you don't bother reading this.

As I am reflecting a lot, you might say I am doing an early New Years post, but that's not why I am typing this. 2013 has been rough. First and foremost, I feel a bit bad about even saying this. Every year I go through my calendar and write down the days, dates and activities my boyfriend and I did together. Milestones, achievements, memories… I then cut up the notes and we pull them out from a bag or a box and read them individually. We're both surprised about how much has happened to us in a span of one year. I have just done this (missing the last part of December still, obviously), so that's why I can say - I've had an amazing year all in all. I've been learning Danish, been to job interviews, had an internship, went to Bulgaria, Latvia, Stockholm, saw Louis CK live, trips around Denmark, saw Bruce Springsteen. LIVE. TWICE. Had my high school reunion, I mean - many cool things. But I have also been sad. Lost. Worried. Graduated, with no job, bills to pay, a language to learn, my future to plan… And I have been impatient. Towards myself, my loved ones, the time, the finances, whilst feeling that time also flies by. I am a lucky girl in many, many ways. And in just as many ways I am a weird little creature and I am prone to struggle and to be emotional and unstable. I am pretty cool, when I am at my best, but I also tend to fall into habits of being a handful.

Since my last post I have passed my Danish exams and have the last Module left with the national exam coming up in May. I have officially moved in with my boyfriend (even thought we've been basically living together for almost 2 years by now), but I gave up my place, changed my address and stuff. I have started to pay back the second loan I took to finish my education.  I've been active family-wise and have done lots of Christmas arrangements with more coming up. I've been to a serious job interview and ended up not getting the job. And after that (and multiple previous conversations about the same topic with my boyfriend) I basically declared, that I am DONE with this constant job search and I want to go back to school.

Now, I, turns out, have a very weird bachelor, which leaves me with the following options - taking a general master's degree in my local town in Danish, which means I need to learn it first (that'll take me a year, at least and I'll need to find a job for sure in order to do that), I can choose a new set of matching bachelor and master's degrees in my local town, which will take me 5 years to finish (making it a grand total of 8,5 of constant studying + 1 year of Danish) or taking the one and only master's degree I can take in a town more than 100 km away from where I live, which means moving, paying two rents, traveling, missing my loved ones etc. And I can, of course, continue on pushing for a full time job with my bachelor, which is what I have been trying until now. I can only tell you - that narrowing down these options and deciding on what to do involved a lot of crying, lots of worrying, lots of talking, advice seeking, doubting, questioning, frustration and mixed emotions.

What I ended up deciding was taking a mental break during the holidays, attack the job search one more time in the New Year, landing at least one more relevant internship, pushing my Danish, applying for the master's degree and going back to school, if I haven't found a job by the time summer comes.

Sounds simple and I feel good about this plan, which makes me think I have made a good choice I can live with and that fits into the general idea about my life and my goals, but, trust me, getting there took a lot out of me. Seriously, this affected my appetite, my sleep, my mood, my skin, my attitude, my body in general and it's hard to wind down from, to be honest. It's like my mind has been made up, but nothing else has really cached up yet.

So, I feel a lot calmer now, but I am still emotional. However, I managed to shop, pack presents, see some dear friends and have some good laughs. Now I look forward to Christmas with our friends, New Years with my folks, holidays and a much needed break.

I hope you all are doing great and it's only me dealing with the pre-holiday anxiety. I know that I have a very carefree life in the big scheme of things, but I also think it's normal to struggle as a 22-year old with making big life decisions. I am sure I'll look back at this and feel like I didn't have a worry in the world, but until then, the choices I make now should enable me to have the best possible future, because we all want to be happy, successful and grateful.

So, that's what I have been dealing with, in the midst of people uploading look books, giveaways, party tutorials, gift ideas and holiday recipes. How disappointing :)

Happy holidays everybody, I miss you and look forward to the next year, new adventures, new experiences, new challenges and accomplishments. I'll try to post until then too, maybe  a nice little, festive post, but in any case, I'm wishing you all the love & happiness throughout the holiday season and in the upcoming year!

Love, Renate ❤